Voldermort & his Deatheaters
by hedwig166
Summary: This is a random story about what Voldermort gets up to with his deatheaters. Includes hide & seek, a picnic, and more to follow.
1. They go on a picnic

Chapter 1

"Oh I do love a nice picnic," Lord Voldermort said as he and his Death Eaters sat on a picnic blanket in a random field.

"Would you like some strawberry jam, my lord?" Dolohov asked.

"Oh yes please," Voldermort said as his minion passed him a sandwich. He took a large bite out of it and let out a high pitched scream.

"DOLOHOV!" He screamed.

"Y-yes, my lord?" Dolohov cowered.

"You forgot to cut off the crusts! CRUCIO!" Dolohov ducked and the spell hit Peter Pettigrew who screamed.

"Oh do shut up Wormtail," Voldermort said. "You're ruining the tranquillity." He lifted the curse and sighed.

"Where's the water?" He asked. Barty Crouch gave a secret smirk as he handed his master the bottle of mineral water. Peter saw him and gasped.

"My lord, no!" He dived in front of the water and drank it all down. He promptly turned into an owl. The Death Eaters and Voldermort burst out laughing.

"Oh Barty," Voldermort said. "Such a practical joker!"

After lunch, they spent the entirety of the afternoon playing volleyball with the owl.

This chapter is dedicated to H!


	2. They play hide and seek

Chapter 2

"I hate the rain," Rodolphus Lestrange announced one very wet and rainy day.

The other Death Eaters in the room all had to agree. Lord Voldermort had locked himself in his office and refused to come out and they were all stuck in the living room with nothing to do except eat the remains of Lucius Malfoy's Victoria sponge, and none of them felt up to doing that. So they had to be content with watching the rain pour down the window.

"What shall we do?" Dolohov asked glumly.

"I could make cookies?" Lucius suggested.

"NO!" The others cried.

"We could play hide and seek!" Macnair said.

"Yes!" They all agreed. Snape rolled his eyes.

"Oh for heaven's sake," he sighed. "I'll go and ask the dark lord if he would like to play." He got off his chair and walked off along the corridor.

"My lord?" He asked nervously, knocking on the door of lord Voldermort's office. "We were wondering if you would like to play hide and seek?"

"Yes!" Voldermort cried, bursting form the room.

"Err, what were you doing in there?" Snape asked.

"I was e-mailing Dumbledore," his master replied. "It'll take him all night to read them!" He cackled insanely.

"You both have computers?" Snape asked.

"Of course." Voldermort said, as if it was obvious.

Snape decided not to ask any more questions, and instead sighed and walked back to the living room.

"Who's it?" He asked as they walked in.

"Peter!" Barty cried at once.

"But I'm always it!" Peter whined, turning to Voldermort.

"Wormtail if you refuse to be it I will crucio you so hard you will not be able to eat cheese for a week!" He said sharply. "Count to one hundred, NOW!"

Peter gave a squeak of terror and began to count. By the time he had reached twenty, the only ones left in the room were Snape and Voldermort.

"Quick, Snape!" Voldermort said. "Where shall we hide?"

"The wardrobe in Dolohov's bedroom!" Snape said.

"Perfect!" Voldermort cried, and they ran upstairs.

"Hurry!" Snape said as they climbed into the wardrobe. They closed the door and Voldermort cackled.

"He'll never find us in here!" He said.

"He will if you keep talking," Snape whispered.

"What's this dress doing in here?" Voldermort asked, drawing out a frilly pink dress from among the numerous black robes.

"Ha!" Snape said. "Dolohov keeps a dress in his wardrobe! I'll never let him hear the last of this!"

"Snape..." Voldermort said slowly.

"Yes my lord?"

"Doesn't it seem a bit...cold in here to you?"

They turned around; there was a dim light that seemed to be coming from the back of the wardrobe.

"You go first," Voldermort said.

"You go first," Snape replied.

"You go first!"

"I'll go first!"

"I'll go first!"

"Ha!" Snape said.

Voldermort scowled at him and walked towards the light. They stepped out of what seemed to be the back of the wardrobe into a large forest covered in snow. A black lamppost was nearby.

They could hear a sleigh coming towards them.

"Who is it?" Snape asked Voldermort warily.

They could now see the person on the sleigh. He had a long beard, sticking up all over the place, and a large sack.

"It's SANTA!" Voldermort yelled, and jumped up and down several times.

"No it's not, it's a mad scientist!" said Snape.

"Ho ho ho! I am Father Christmas, and I have a presents for you."

He moved towards Snape, and gave him a horn.

"If you are in trouble, blow this horn and help of some kind will come to you. Also, I will give you this bow and arrows. But is not Aslan's wish that you should fight in the battle"

"What?" Said Snape, but Santa ignored him and moved to Voldermort, giving him a sword and shield.

"The shield carries the sign of the lion, reminding you that in the fight, it is Aslan you are fighting for."

"I'm Lord Voldermort! I'm not fighting for anyone else but ME!" said Voldermort.

"Bear them well son of Adam. Bear them well daughter of Eve..."

"What the hell are you on about?" Snape asked.

"Goodbye" Santa said, as he got in his sleigh and rode away.

"DOLOHOV!" Voldermort yelled.

That chapter was dedicated to my good friend L.

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	3. They go on a peace rally

It was a quiet and peaceful morning in the Death Eater's house.

This was very odd, for usually there was some sort of noise; either Peter was crying because Barty had stolen his teddy bear, Bellatrix was yelling at Lucius for taking up too many shelves in the bathroom with his hair care products, or Lord Voldermort was cackling insanely for some reason or another.

So, whilst Severus Snape sat at the breakfast table, he savoured the peace and tranquillity, for he knew that very soon it would all be over.

In fact, it was over very soon, for no sooner had Snape reached for the sugar bowl, than a loud scream came from upstairs and Voldermort came thundering down the stairs followed soon after by his minions.

"What is it my lord, ARGH!" Snape cried as he looked up at his master to see a hideous creature in a hot pink dressing gown, a shower cap on its head and a sleeping mask over its eyes. "My lord!" Snape exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

Voldermort ripped the face mask from his eyes and scowled at Snape.

"I _was _enjoying a nice lie in," he said. "Until someone's screaming woke me up. Who isn't here?"

"Err, Lucius," Snape said, looking at the other Death Eaters in the room. "And Barty."

"Well that's it then," Voldermort said. "Barty Crouch...junior!"

"Good morning, my lord." Came a voice from behind Voldermort. The dark lord jumped and turned to see his 'most faithful' minion leaning against the door frame.

"What have you done to Malfoy?" He asked.

"Me?" Barty said innocently. "Nothing. You might want to take a look at his hair, thou 'cos..."

Before the dark lord could ask any more questions, Lucius Malfoy came screaming into the room with a towel around his head in teddy bear pyjamas.

The Death Eaters were speechless, except for Barty who gave a suppressed snigger. Lucius turned and fixed him with a glare.

"Look, my lord!" He cried. "Look what has happened to my hair!" He took the towel from around his head and his hair fell out of it in cascades of vibrant pink.

Nobody could help themselves, they all burst out laughing.

"Stop laughing!" He said. "Stop it! Who did this?"

Everyone stopped laughing and pointed at Barty.

"BARTY!" Lucius screamed, the sniggering minion shot off with Lucius close behind.

Snape turned to Voldermort, who was nearly in tears, holding Lucius's conditioner bottle.

"What is it?" Snape asked, taking the bottle and reading the label. "_This product was tested on puppies from the St Theodore's laboratory._"

Voldermort burst into uncontrollable tears.

"What kind of company admits that?" Snape asked himself.

"Who cares!" Voldermort said. "I shall seek out this company, free the puppies and protest against their inhumane animal testing unit. And we're going to do it now!"

"Err, OK," Snape said. "I'll go and rescue Barty then, shall I?"

One hour later, the Death Eaters arrived outside the animal testing laboratories, brandishing signs and shouting loudly.

"Stop animal testing!" Voldermort cried. "Come on everyone!"

"Stop animal testing." The others said flatly.

"That's the spirit!"

It wasn't too long before they attracted attention from behind enemy lines. A group of doctors came out of the building and approached the protesters with caution.

"At last!" Voldermort said.

"Can we help you?" The doctors said.

Voldermort was aghast.

"Are you blind?" He said. "Yes you can help me, by setting free all of the puppies!"

"The puppies…" One of the doctors hesitated.

"He means the experiments 013 through to 666." The other doctor said.

"Oh." The first doctor said, with a slight smirk. "You can have them."

"Well…thank you!" Voldermort said, slightly taken aback at how easy that had been. "We'll give them a good home."

"I'm sure you will." The doctor said with a knowing look. He clicked his fingers and two bodyguards came out leading 653 sweet looking Labrador puppies on leads. They past the leads to the death-eaters.

"Thank you!" Voldermort said, pleased that he had saved these poor animals. "Well, we'll be off then."

They walked off a little way.

"Aren't they lovely?" Dolohov said. "Can I stroke one?"

"Of course, Dolohov," Voldermort said. "Stroke away."

The Death Eater bent down to stroke one of the puppy's and gave a loud scream, the apparently harmless puppy had taken a firm grip on Dolohov's hand with its teeth.

Dolohov swung it round his head and it let go. It went soaring through the air and landed a few metres away.

Then, all the puppies attacked them all

The first puppy stood up, growled at them, and came charging towards them.

Everyone started to run for their lives, including Voldermort who was making a mental note never to protest against animal testing again.


End file.
